Glimmers of Hope that Inspire and Empower our Lives!!

Self-Determination

Ever since I can remember, I have AlwAYS been self-determined.  It has been a contributing partnership in my life from the very early days of my being.  Where did it come from? I could not tell you- but I knew it has been all powerful, and has always been there for me. I guess you could call it an instinct, a sixth sense- It was always by my side.  It has walked hand and hand with me in every situation in my life, and everything I have gone through. 

It has been like a trusted servant, or a very good friend, guiding, guarding and lighting my way. It was always there when I needed to call on it; especially when I came to major turning points in my life, and I needed guidance, answers, and protection.

I somehow knew I could turn to it, and rely upon it.  It never turned me away, nor did it steered me wrong!  It was always there, right in the pit of my gut, right near my heart.  And the times I did not listen, it made me see and become that much more aware of just how important it was to do so.  I could turn to it in a split second. When I needed it the most.   

I would listen very carefully to its quiet, gentle voice.  And I would listen to what it was telling me to do or what road to follow.  If I was patient enough, and willing enough to go through the feelings and the emotions, I would always get the answer's I was looking for or needed.

When experts or individuals told me..."ahhhh sweetheart, you know that this task is too difficult for you"... or, "...you know you have trouble learning..."  I  would proved them wrong. I would literally take matters into my own hands without verbally speaking or saying a word to anyone. Them telling me I could not do something would fire me up inside, made me angry, and thus, gave me the motivation I needed to prove them wrong.

These were some of my most intuitive moments. I seemed to be able to hear what they were saying, tune them out, know that, that was their opinion, and intuitively knew that they were wrong in the pit of my gut. Somehow I was able to work these feelings and emotions out, released the negative impact these words, phrases, and tapes had upon me, and turn them around to become a positive and all powerful force within myself.  I would become steadfast in my thinking, and affirm what I wanted to change within myself and who I wanted to become.  Thus, believing in myself when no one else did, and acting on those beliefs within myself, ultimately transformed my life.

I am so very grateful to myself, because who knows what kind of person I would have become, if I did not listen or allow myself to be the unique individual that I am.

Scrutinized

In my life-time I have been under heavy scrutinizing because I chose to live my life on my own teams.  I chose to live my life as a "Normal" person who has feelings, wants, needs, and desires-

I have talked up for myself, been faithful to myself, and, I have been determined to be treated with dignity and respect! When employers, co-workers, organizations, or individual's rewarded those around me who were talking down, behind, and around my back, or taking credit or advantage, of a current situation for something I did.  I was also wrongly scolded for being dressed inappropriately for teaching a fitness class, while being hired as a fitness instructor,too. 

In each of these situations, I spoke up for myself and stood my ground.  I never sold myself short. I lived by a standard of truth, honesty, integrity, and doing my job  to the best of my ability and then some.  I went above and beyond in all my duties, and gave a 120 % with all the goodness in my heart-

Today, I know differently-

And, because of this, I have been able to rise above it all.  I have been accountable and responsible for all my actions and conducts.  I have accomplished goals in my life, step by step that other's may have looked disapprovingly of.  Because of my motivation and willingness to succeed in every area of my life, I have been insulted, scorned, made fun of, studied, and criticized to the hilt.  I have been examined, and looked down upon, and grudgingly made to feel small.  Moreover,I have been looked at very closely and thoroughly with peering eyes.  and still, I have been looked at with such discuss, objection, and in such a hypocritical, disconcerting kind of way, that it truly hurt. 

These people found careful and meticulous ways to get rid of me. They found ways for me to be the "bad girl".  These individuals called my left arm "a wing", and mimic my limp and how I walk! 

Why!  Well, I don't really know- But these high ranking bosses were from a host of well known organizations that are still around and in existence today.  These are people who call themselves professionals, who also call themselves compassionate- they thought they knew more or new better than me.  Unfortunately, these professionals in the disable field, employers, psychologist, and doctor's are way too many.. actually to think about now, bother me, or hurt me anymore in my life, because I have moved on and away from the hurt, pain, and residue .  I have healed and truly want to let go of these memories that have shaped my life. I want to help others, instead, to work thought their own- by what I have experienced in mine.

These so called "professionals have wanted to probe my physical well being, and make sure I was emotionally stable- They have investigated and inquired into my life in ways that made me feel humiliated, judged, less than normal, scared, nervous, hopeless, and even helpless at times, but I was like a Trojan horse ready to surpass attack.  I kept carrying on despite them, in an honest, triumphant, and truthful way. 

Instead of making an individual comfortable within their own being, and rewarding them for their conscientiousness and integrity, they made me feel like I was on trial, or was a criminal who had committed the worst kind of crime! 

Why, you may be asking yourself?  Because I worked my hardest with the "ABIlitIES I had before me" I worked to accomplish my duty's all the time.  I worked with an accuracy and a perfection, and I always came into work happy, with a kind word, and a smile on my face looking forward to each and every day. I never let my Cerebral Palsy or learning disability get in my way.  I worked to over-come them, as  I worked to be like the "Norm" And I did what was asked of me no matter what.

Most the times, though, my work was better.  It was better than a person without a disability!  I never worked to compete with others.  I worked to accept and be in harmony with those around me, however, they could not, "see" it! I wanted so desperately wanted to fit in,  I wanted them to accept me for me, the hard work I completed and performed, and as an equal, individual wanting to work in the work place as a team player, a leader with a balance.  An individual with the same qualities as everyone around me.  I wanted to be equal to, or have the same kind of equivalents as them all.   

But I know differently now!  I know what this world is like. I have dealt with people, and have had many experiences to make me strong, which alert me to these acts of in-humanity.  I have been introduced and made aware of- and have lived in a world where people have this ruthless way about then, where they must be better than the next guy, desiring more success, greed, power, and control. 

These people could not, nor were they willing to, so they hurt me and belittled me in the process. They did everything they could with-in their power to make me believe contrary to the truth at hand. But I grew up, and I saw beyond the truth, and, their conniving ways. "They" "TRIed" to put me down, and pull the wool over my eyes, in ways that were de-humanizing!  In the long term I rose above them all! And I am grateful for these lessons.  I am endepted to them as I came out the winner-  Maybe not financially,  But morally, I did indeed! 

These people  have been very threaten of me, and the way I conducted myself.  They were intimidated, and afraid that I could do better or go farther and, you know what- I did! I really did! Perhaps I did do a better job- perhaps, better with one hand, then they could with two!

But with all judgment aside, and all do respect, these professional in these communities were indeed threaten of me. They were frighten of, or overawe as a hostel individual or human being of what I said, stood for, or was trying to do in my job, life, as an honest, free of deceit, whole-hearted manner.

Thus, I have set my own bar of excellence.  And, I have continued to raise it.  Yes, I may not have held a full time career like the norm, but I have lived my life by my own standards of truth, and honesty. I have had the soundness of thought and mind to live my life in a mindful and whole way, with internal consistency, and lack of corruption.

I have lived my life today never doubting myself, my abilities, my good character, my principles, or by selling myself short in a deceitful, conniving way.

Thus, in closing, I will continue to live my life in a trustworthy, dignified, truthful, sincere way, and to be a light and an example for others to emulate.